In Part 1 of last week’s Friendship Seeds post, we focused on the intriguing concept of friendship. We endeavored to highlight what a powerful influence it can be in either a positive or negative direction. And given its potential impact on our lives, we suggested that it would be wise to be more intentional about how we handle those relationships. So, here we are a week later, and I feel like there’s more to be said along those lines. In particular, there’s a question that arises when I see some of the scenes of rioters screaming disgusting things to the top of their lungs and school kids out marching in the streets chanting slogans they don’t really even understand. I see that kind of behavior and wonder how many are out there, only because their friends are. 

A Friendly Influence ~
Then when we go to church and I see thousands of people standing up, singing, praising God, and praying together, I wonder how many wouldn’t be there if a friend hadn’t urged them to come with them. I see videos of homeless people trying to survive on the streets in frigid conditions and wonder if they have any friends at all. I believe that friendships are covenant relationships, and covenants are promises that are based on conditions and defined by boundaries. The problem with many friendships is that those boundaries are not clearly identified.

The recurring questions this week, in regard to our friendships, have to do with identifying and managing boundaries. When it comes to our friends, 

• • • Who decides where the boundaries are? 
    • Do we ever even talk about boundaries? 
    • Even if we assume that both parties know what the limits of a friendship are, how do we maintain them in a world where moral standards and social patterns are rapidly changing around us? 
    • And if adjustments need to be made, how do we know where to draw new lines? 

And just to illustrate how boundaries between friends can change, a scene from my early years on the farm comes to mind . . .  

Tagging Along ~
One ordinary morning after breakfast, my grandpa announced that he had to run over to Mr. Bryant’s house to get something. My immediate response was, “Can I go too, Pa?” I was expecting to hear something like, “Not this time, son, I’m in a hurry and coming right back.” But that day, as he got up from the chair and reached for his hat, Pa said, “Okay, boy, go git in the truck.” 

After rattling down the dirt road for a couple of miles, we turned onto the lane leading to Mr. Bryant’s farm. Pa drove past the house and pulled up in front of the tool shed adjacent to Mr. Bryant’s barn and told me to stay in the truck because he’d be right back. The rusty hinges creaked as Pa opened the door to the shed and went inside. Then the door had hardly slammed shut before he emerged again holding some kind of tool I didn’t recognize. Then, he fired up the old truck again and we headed on back home. 

No Boundaries Specified ~
My grandpa didn’t call Mr. Bryant to ask permission to go into his shed or ask which tools he could use. That was the kind of thing that had gone on back and forth between my grandpa and Mr. Bryant for years without any kind of contract being drawn up specifying the access that each was willing to allow the other to have. They used each other’s tools and equipment as if they were their own. That unstated, unrestricted, and mutually beneficial access they enjoyed wasn’t the result of legal negotiations. It existed because the Bryants were more than just our neighbors. They were our friends. 

Friendships like that aren’t formed the moment we’re introduced to one another, and the covenants they represent aren’t established with the first handshake. The privileges as well as the boundaries that define them evolve a little at a time as circumstances emerge that reinforce trust or that challenge our values and test our commitments. My grandpa didn’t go poking around in Mr. Bryant’s shed uninvited the day after he met him. The trust involved in the covenant they shared together had grown a little at a time – and it was based on their participation in another covenant. Their confidence in each other’s integrity was rooted in evidence that their individual relationships with Jesus Christ extended far beyond the time they spent in church on Sundays.

Impuslive Friendships Discouraged ~
So, having given that example, what is our motivation for addressing the boundary issue? It stems from the closing phrase of one of Solomon’s admonitions that we quoted in last week’s post. He said: 

The righteous should choose his friends carefully,
For the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26 NKJV)

We’ve all seen examples of how making careless or impulsive connections with no protective boundaries can lead to disastrous choices, but God included a prime example we should all consider. It involved two of Solomon’s own children, Amnon and Tamar. Their tragic story is recorded in II Samuel 13:1-20, and it began with Amnon becoming obsessed with desire for his beautiful half-sister, Tamar, but God’s law restricted him from taking her as his wife. As Amnon wallowed in lustful grief and self pity, another player is introduced . . .  

But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Now Jonadab was a very crafty [deceitful, dishonest] man. (II Samuel 13:3 NKJV)

This “friend’s” way of helping Amnon out of his self-induced misery was a scheme involving lying, deception, and rape. That “friendship” with no boundaries spelled disaster for everyone involved.

Friendships Can Be Protective ~
But as we’ve mentioned before, our friends can also be a source of encouragement, protection, and provision. For instance, during Paul’s time in Ephesus, there was a riotous uprising by followers of the goddess Diana against Christians. The enraged crowd gathered in the famous Ephesian theater and began to yell and chant for hours (sounds kinda familiar, doesn’t it?). The Apostle Paul, courageous as usual, was planning to go into the melee and try to address the enraged mob. But seeing that it was a move that could be lethal for their beloved teacher, Paul’s friends stepped in and  restrained him. They didn’t know that the boundaries associated with their friendship with Paul would require restraining him from dangers he didn’t properly assess, but God made it clear that they did.

And when Paul wanted to go in to the people, the disciples would not allow him. Then some of the officials of Asia, who were his friends, sent to him pleading that he would not venture into the theater. (Acts 19:30–31)

It comes down to this . . . Friendships can be powerful things, but without effective boundaries, they can be a pathway to our deepest regrets. So God made a way to impart boundaries that will both keep us from foolish choices and use us to protect and provide for others – and here’s how it works . . . 

A Foundational Covenant ~
Our Father, the premier Covenant Maker of all time, took on human flesh and became one of us. In Jesus, our Messiah, the Living God fulfilled every requirement demanded by every covenant He ever established. Then, after a life of demonstrating what “friendship” really is, He went to the cross. The price He paid there destroyed every barrier between us and fulfilled every condition that acceptance into His family required. Jesus annulled our covenant with death and banished it from His Kingdom forever. 

But before all that, He gathered His followers around Him and declared the establishment of a New Covenant:  

Then He took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. For this is My blood of the new covenant, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. (Matthew 26:27–28 NKJV)

It is our participation in that covenant that forms the basis and establishes the boundaries that will be effective in every other covenant relationship in which we engage. 

So, our challenge isn’t setting out to define every nuance and trying to assess every possibility for every relationship we have. Instead, our challenge is this … to keep our participation in that covenant we have with Jesus active, to honor its restrictions, to promote its benefits, and to joyfully engage in every privilege He extends to us.

_____________________________

Join us again next week as we wrap up our brief exploration of one of God’s most fascinating relational mechanisms for expressing His love, unifying His people, and bringing His Kingdom to life in the world around us.

“TWEETABLES” ~ Click to tweet and share from the quotes below.  Each one links directly back to this article through Twitter . . .

• • • I believe friendships are covenant relationships, and covenants are promises based on conditions – defined by boundaries. The problem with many friendships is that those boundaries aren’t clearly identified. @GallaghersPen (Click here to Tweet)  
    • Making careless or impulsive friendship connections with no protective boundaries can lead to disastrous choices, but God gave a prime example we should all consider. It involved two of Solomon’s own children, Amnon and Tamar (II Sam 13:1-20). @GallaghersPen (Click here to Tweet)
    • Friendships can be powerful things, but without effective boundaries they can be a pathway to our deepest regrets. So God made a way to impart boundaries that keep us from foolish choices and use us to protect and provide for others. Here’s how it works… @GallaghersPen (Click here to Tweet) 
    • Our challenge is this … to keep our participation in that ‘new’ covenant we have with Jesus active, to honor its restrictions, to promote its benefits, and to joyfully engage in every privilege He extends to us. @GallaghersPen (Click here to Tweet)

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